I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
