I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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