You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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