Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
