the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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