Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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