1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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