No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
