You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
