And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
