I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
