just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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