He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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