I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
