Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
