i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We left the knife in your bed.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
