Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
