At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize