you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
