Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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