Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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