Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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