Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
