I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
