We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
