I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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