I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
