Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
