update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
