hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Randomize
