Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
