I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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