why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
