i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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