What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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