Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
