If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the day after is always just damage control
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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