For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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