Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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