I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
