Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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