Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
