Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize