I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
