youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Randomize
