I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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