A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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