now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
