Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
