hotel room ftw
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
