my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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