Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
