He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize