how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
