did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
