Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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