Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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