OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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