How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
