the new term for farting is butt boxing.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
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